But recently, I’ve been hearing things from other Christian wives that I never dreamed! Many of my friends have consented to interviews on this subject and have been telling me of their own apprehension with their husbands in the bedroom.
First, let’s take the biblical perspective. Genesis 1:27, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." We know that God created us in his own image, that we were both, male and female, created in that image. That has to be good, right? Right! See Geneses 1:31, "And God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.” So we know that our being created in his image and likeness is not just good, but very good. We also know that we should praise him for this. See Psalm 139:14, "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." So we know that we are made in the marvelous and wonderful image of God. We also see that we know this within our souls. But, did he create us for each other?
Well, let's take a look a little further at Genesis 2:24-25, "Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." So we were created for each other and we were created to be together in an intimate way. How intimate is okay?
Let's look at Proverbs 5:18-19, "Let thy fountain be blessed; and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."
Look also at I Corinthians 7:3-6, "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence; and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband; and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment." Go further to Proverbs 7:13-18, "So she caught him, and kissed him, and with an impudent face said unto him, I have peace offerings with me; this day have I prayed my vows. Therefore came I forth to meet thee, diligently to seek thy face, and I have found thee. I have decked my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves."
Then take the entire book of Song of Solomon, which I will not quote for you, but urge you to read. Here is a snippet from that book: "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth; for thy love is better than wine...My beloved is mine, and I am his; he feedeth among the lilies...It was but a little that I passed from them, but I found him whom my soul loveth; I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mothers house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me...His mouth is most sweet; yea, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem."
Okay, many of you are right now wondering, "Where in the world did those last two passages come from?"
We all know that Song of Solomon is in the Bible, but how often have we read it? One of the primary complaints I hear from the women I’ve talked to is the different ways in which men and women get "in the mood." For me and most of my friends, getting "in the mood" is a cerebral, not a physical process. And it doesn’t happen instantly; it takes time. According to my husband, it’s completely different for men. He says all a wife needs to do to entice her husband is to walk past him in the hallway. That’s it! He says that when it comes to this, most men are fairly simple. Most women, however, are not. It is this reason that there is such a trend in the world of targeting erotica and soft porn in the form of "romance" novels at women. The world is attempting to feed our need for cerebral stimulation, but we do not have to let it. Someone recently likened this type of cerebral stimulation to eating a steady diet of junk food. Yes, it will satisfy you temporarily, but eventually you will become malnourished and filled with decay and disease. That is NOT God's plan for our marriages.
This need for cerebral stimulus is why so many women (even Christian women) are falling prey to erotica and what it "promises." I am reminded of the following quote from Pulling Back the Shades, "Erotica strategically and masterfully pulls you in by exploiting what your heart secretly longs for. Your longing is legitimate. We just believe there are ways to get what you are looking for without compromising God's standards."
That’s why I included Song of Solomon and Proverbs 7. Song of Solomon can be a very interesting Bible study for you and your husband. It gives us women the cerebral stimulus we enjoy. It also gives us another kind of intimacy with our husbands. I personally am planning on getting together with a few of my sister chicks to do the Passion Pursuit study from Authentic Intimacy. I cannot wait to see how it is going to change my relationship with my own husband. I'm ready to be a Smokin' Hot Mama!
Check out the study here:
www.authenticintimacy.com
I once knew a couple who were anticipating their wedding date. They had committed to each other and to God to wait until marriage to enjoy sexual intimacy. For one month prior to their wedding date, they studied Song of Solomon in depth. After their honeymoon, they claimed that their study of Solomon’s Song made them less nervous and inhibited on their wedding night than they had been before their study. They had decreased the jitters over their wedding night intimacy by increasing their spiritual intimacy prior to the "Big Event."
So, now you understand the reference to Song of Solomon, but you’re still way out there on Proverbs 7. Do not worry! I would never suggest you prostitute yourself! But, what kind of partner are you to your husband in sexual matters? How often do you go out of your way to fulfill his desires?
Notice how the woman in Proverbs enticed her "mark." Verse 13 tells us how she grabbed him and kissed him; how she was without shame. She was impudent and sassy. She was bold. Move on to verses 16-18: AI have covered my bed with colored sheets form Egypt. I have made my bed smell sweet with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let’s make love until morning. Let’s enjoy each other’s love." NCV Now, first know that I do understand the context. I know that this is a warning to men not to be enticed by the harlot on the corner. But would he even be interested if he had a woman at home who had learned to entice him as well? Believe it or not, as inhibited as you may think you are, if you begin a journey to entice your husband with stolen kisses and a boudoir instead of a plain old bedroom, your cerebral needs will also be met.
In my interviews with other women, many of them Pastor’s wives, I have learned the following things. I hope some of them can help you.
"But things have happened and/or I’ve done things." Let go of sin and shame! This is probably the hardest, so I am addressing it first. Many good Christian ladies have been in situations where sin and/or shame can inhibit their sexual intimacy with their husbands.
One wife I spoke to told me that after a lifetime of sexual purity, she and her then fiancé gave in to temptation. Although they both recommitted themselves to Christ and to a Christ-like courting relationship, on their wedding night she felt a tremendous sense of loss. For years after, the guilt and shame of not waiting haunted her intimate relations with her husband. It came to a head during a blue ribbon prize fight with her husband over her lack of interest in him. He had become the object of her self-imposed guilt. They sought Christian counseling and have since overcome this. Her advice was John 1:29b, "Behold the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sins of the world." When the Lamb of God took her sins, she had no right or reason to hang on to the guilt from them.
In much the same way, if you suffer from the guilt or shame of something that was done to you, I strongly urge you to talk to your husband and seek counseling from a qualified Christian counselor. There’s nothing wrong with seeking advice from another Christian and most churches have someone they can recommend. The important thing is to release your guilt and shame to God and let Him heal you from the inside.
"Sex is only for making babies." Yikes! Many of us were taught these kinds of things growing up, and while in some cases it is a proven tact for scaring little girls into purity, it isn’t true. Look again at Genesis 1:31a, "God looked at everything he had made and it was VERY GOOD." NCV (emphasis mine)
Many women and even some men are amazed to actually come to the realization that God designed our bodies to pleasure each other! If sex were only for making babies, why would God have placed more nerve endings in the bundles of a woman’s pleasure zone than in any other part of the human anatomy? If God had not intended intimacy between married couples to be enjoyed, he wouldn’t have made us this way! Look again at Psalm 139:14, "I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well." NCV
Do we know? Do we really understand that the creator himself has debunked the myth that sex is only for making babies? He has, simply because we are fearfully and wonderfully made!
"Sexual experimentation is immodest and immoral." Oh, dear! Where have we all heard some version of that? I once went to a class taught by a Pastor’s wife who was about ten years older than my own mother. Imagine my shock when she admonished each lady to be more adventurous in the bedroom! Something she said that day stuck with me. Here was an older woman who had been in the ministry most of her life. Her advice? In the bedroom, anything goes as long as there is no other person involved besides you and your spouse. She further explained that sexual purity in the marriage bed was two people joined in mutual respect and admiration in the sight of God with no other person present; that includes magazines, videos and romance novels (sorry, ladies). Note those key words "admiration" and "respect." Keep in mind that we need to temper our roles in the marriage boudoir with respect to each other's needs and desires while maintaining our own self respect. Sexual experimentation isn't immodest or immoral, but I personally believe it has it's limits in pleasing both parties with respect. To me, that leaves out bondage and pain, but leaves a wide door open to a lot of mutual enjoyment.
For this, we look again at Genesis 2:24-25, "So a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one body. The man and his wife were naked, but they were not ashamed." NCV
Notice how the two become one? This suggests to me that they are to be close, as intimate as can be, but just the two. Notice, however, how verse 25 says, "they were naked, but they were not ashamed." Although in some ways, this goes back to my first point on guilt and shame, it also supports that it’s okay to be naked with your spouse! It’s okay to leave the lights on! If you still don’t believe me, I leave you to do an inductive study of the word pictures in Song of Solomon. It doesn’t get any more explicit than that!
"Sex is not a weapon, a tool or a payment." This is the truth as told to me by my own mother! I'll never forget the day she sat me down and laid this out! It was actually rather amusing. She was giving me a permanent and updating me on some of the local news when I asked a question that led to talk of some mutual friends who were newly married and had given thought to starting a family. She began relaying a funny story about these people and inadvertently came to a situation where the wife had publicly threatened not to have sex with the husband if she did not get a certain thing she wanted.
Mom stopped immediately and with a curler and comb in one hand and a strand of hair half wrapped in wave paper firmly gripped in the other, she leaned into my face and said, AI better never hear of you pulling a stunt like that on your husband! Do you hear me? Sex is not a weapon! It is not a tool to get what you want, and it’s not a payment for services rendered. Got it?"
I was quick to agree before she liberated the section of hair she had gripped in her right hand from my now stinging head! But she was right! Look again at I Corinthians 7:3-6: "The husband should give his wife all that he owes her as his wife. And the wife should give her husband all that she owes him as her husband. The wife does not have full rights over her own body; her husband shares them. And the husband does not have full rights over his own body; his wife shares them. Do not refuse to give your bodies to each other, unless you both agree to stay away from sexual relation for s time so you can give your time to prayer. Then come together again so Satan cannot tempt you because of a lack of self-control. I say this to give you permission to stay away from sexual relations for a time. It is not a command to do so."
I'd say the scripture is pretty plain on that one. I'd also say that, as usual, Mom was right and since you don’t have my mom to tell you these things, I am doing it for her. It’s important that we understand what God made us for. It is also important to understand that God made things good for a husband and wife and that He designed our bodies for each other.
To put it all in a nutshell, marital intimacy and sex within the confines of marriage is a God-ordained act that was designed to be enjoyed by both marriage partners. I'll leave you with a final bit of advice, told to me by a friend as advice to new brides, but useful to us all. When you enter the bedroom with your husband, throw your entire self and all the passion you can imagine into that first kiss. Enjoy it thoroughly and completely, giving as well as receiving. The rest will fall into place as God has designed it.
Resources to consider:
www.authenticintimacy.org
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJHkogczCzk
